Enron!: The Musical

LucyPrebble’s new play ENRON will make its way from London to New York, beginning previews on Broadway on April 8, 2010 and opening on April 27, 2010 at the Broadhurst Theatre.


Sure, they got raves in London, but they’re missing a bet:
Enron!
The musical
By Dan Fiorella
NARRATOR: Our story opens in downtown Houston, as the once great entrepreneur, Frito Lay, laments his fall from the top of the corporate ladder.

FRITO LAY: (Buddy, can you spare a dime)
Once I had a dot-com
High tech firm
made it all run online.
Once I had a dot-com
Then got spurned
Buddy, can you spare a dime?

NARRATOR: But Frito Lay was no quitter. He knew it was his destiny to be a business success. He made the rounds, networked and paid off the right people and was soon back on the executive track.

FRITO LAY: Here I am, back on the executive track. You think it would be every thing I wanted!

(Intercom buzz)

GLADYS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Dept. of Agriculture on line one.

FRITO LAY: Thank you, Gladys.

(Buzz)

GLADYS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Securities Exchange Commission on line two.

FRITO LAY: Thank you, Gladys.

(Buzz)

GLADYS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Department of Labor on three.

FRITO LAY: Geez, could you maybe screen some of these calls, Gladys??? It never lets up. I’m working, always working for someone else. I have to find a way to make some real money. I have to upgrade my golden parachute.

(Door knock)

FRITO LAY: Yes, come in.

ARTIE: Yes, hello. Mr. Lay? Are you Mr. Lay? I’m here to see Mr. Lay.

FRITO LAY: I’m Mr. Lay! Who are you?

ARTIE: I’m your accountant, sir, Artie Anderson. It’s time to go over the books.

FRITO LAY: Oh, of course, the books. You’re going to go over my books, eh?

ARTIE: Well, yes, sir. It’s my job, sir. It’s what I do.

FRITO LAY: Well, here then, here. Look over these books, by all means. My life laid bare before you, you, you mealy little man.

ARTIE: Hostility hardly seems called for.

FRITO LAY: Consider it a bonus.

(Pages turning)

ARTIE: I can’t help but notice there’s been a lot of items whited-out here.

FRITO LAY: Oh, just some assets that needed lightening.

ARTIE: And here; in this column, you started writing your figures in red ink, then half way down switch to black.

FRITO LAY: What are you, an accountant or Sherman Williams?

ARTIE: That’s funny.

FRITO LAY: Oh, do I amuse you, Mr. Bean Counter? Mr. Counter of Beans? Mr. Legume Tablulator?

ARTIE: Oh, did you say something? Sorry, I was just thinking.

FRITO LAY: You were thinking? If there’s one thing I learned about the business world it’s this: don’t make it a habit.

ARTIE: I was thinking about the books.

FRITO LAY: What’s so funny about the books?

ARTIE: Well, it’s a funny thought, more. A silly thought. But it could work.

FRITO LAY: What could work?

ARTIE: Yes, it would. Really. No, no, it’s a wacky notion.

FRITO LAY: This country was founded on wacky notions.

ARTIE: Well, I just noted, and it’s only a theory, mind you, but a CEO could make more money with a company that fails than by being successful.

FRITO LAY: Run that by me again, lad.

ARTIE: A company…it’s totally absurd, of course, but if you owned a company and sold more shares than you had, then closed, you could make a killing!

FRITO LAY: Artie, you’re a genius!

ARTIE: Not that you could actually do such a thing.

FRITO LAY: Don’t think negatively, my lad, of course you could do such a thing. It’s perfect. A company that exists solely to issue stock.

ARTIE: What would it produce? What would it manufacture?

FRITO LAY: Not a thing! That’s all overhead! We eliminate it and it’s even more money for us!

ARTIE: A business that doesn’t make stuff?

FRITO LAY: Indeed, my lad!
(No Business like Show Business)
There’s no business like no business like no business I know.
Inventory only eats up profits
Manufacturing will take up time.
No where can you get that happy feeling
Then when you’re stealing
The bottom line.

ARTIE: There’s no business like no business—

FRITO LAY: Like no business I know!
One day you’ll be heading up the Fortune five
Then you’ll find out you’ve been downsized.
So why not just go off then and take a dive?

ARTIE amp; FRITO LAY: Let’s go on with the sham!
Let’s go on with the sham!

ARTIE: But, Mr. Lay, what could we do?

FRITO LAY: First, we have to find the right company!

ARTIE: How do you do that?

FRITO LAY: Connections, my lad! It’s not what you know, it’s who knows you!

NARRATOR: So Frito Lay made the rounds and soon was able to link up with the right company.

FRITO LAY: Success!

ARTIE: You found the right company?

FRITO LAY: Did I ever!
(Doo-Ron-Ron)
Looking for a job that will make us big dough.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Lots of stock options for their CEO
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Look to make some dough!
Needs a CEO!
So we’ll climb aboard.
Enron-ron-ron-ron Enron-ron

ARTIE: What kind of company is it?

FRITO LAY: Something to do with energy. It really wasn’t clear.

ARTIE: What do we know about the energy industry?

FRITO LAY: Not a blessed thing! It’s perfect!

ARTIE: I don’t know, Mr. Lay—

FRITO LAY: To seal the deal, I just have two words for you: Deregulation.

ARTIE: That’s one word.

FRITO LAY: The guy who told me had an accent. They’re going to deregulate the energy business! We don’t stand a chance!

ARTIE amp; FRITO: Hey, the firm’s a sham!
Time to start the scam!
Can’t stay afloat too long.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron.

NARRATOR: So Frito Lay and Artie Anderson took control of the company. They restructured it into a company that traded energy, and things were going badly, but no bad enough…

ARTIE: Mr. Lay, this isn’t going to work. Not enough people are buying our stock.

FRITO LAY: Hmmm…I know, make the employees buy the stock!

ARTIE: Will the employees want to invest in a company that’s going to fail?

FRITO LAY: They will if they want to keep their jobs. Oh, Artie, see that knob?

(Electric buzzing)

ARTIE: Yeah?

FRITO LAY: Turn it counter-clockwise.

ARTIE: Like this?

(Buzzing slides down)

FRITO LAY: That’s the baby.

ARTIE: What am I doing?

FRITO LAY: You just turned off the juice to California.

ARTIE: What? Why?

FRITO LAY: Two words, junior: supply and demand.

ARTIE: That’s three words.

FRITO LAY: What are you, an accountant?

ARTIE: Yes I am, remember?

FRITO LAY: Oh, right. Okay, we cut off our supply to them. The demand increases, so we can charge more for our supply, and our stock goes up.

ARTIE: Really?

FRITO LAY: (Silver and Gold)
Supply and demand
supply and demand
Nothing’s more basic than
s’ply and demand.
Making the treasures we seek.
the golden goose with a platinum beak.
Supply and demand
supply and demand
means so much more when I see
supply and demand making millions,
all for you and me!

ARTIE: You’re good, Mr. Lay.

FRITO LAY: I’m the best, that’s why this company is going straight into the toilet!

NARRATOR: And the stock did go up and up, until it was time to cash out.

FRITO LAY: Hey, Artie-kins, you all cashed out?

ARTIE: Yes, sir, Mr. Lay.

FRITO LAY: I’m going to declare bankruptcy then.

(Phone rings)

FRITO LAY: Hello? Why, hello, Mr. Vice President! Advice on energy policy, Mr. Vice President? Why, certainly, Mr. Vice President, I’d be happy to give you advice on energy! See you soon!

(Hangs up)

FRITO LAY: You know who that was, Artie?

ARTIE: The Vice President.

FRITO LAY: What, are you spying on me, you nebbish?

ARTIE: I’m standing right here!

FRITO LAY: Oh. Well, it was the Vice President. Not that there was a prize or anything for guessing right.

ARTIE: What did you just do?

FRITO LAY: I just agreed to give the Vice President advice about the energy business.

ARTIE: You don’t know anything about the energy business!

FRITO LAY: Enough for government work!

ARTIE: I can’t believe they’re asking you for advice.

FRITO LAY: How can you say that? Look how successful we are.

ARTIE: We were about to declare bankruptcy.

FRITO LAY: So, we hold off a little while. Once word gets out that the Vice President is coming to us for advice, the price of our stock will double.

ARTIE: Double?

FRITO LAY: Triple, even.

ARTIE: I don’t know, Mr. Lay. That wasn’t the plan.

FRITO LAY: Buck up, Artie. When opportunity comes a’ knocking, you don’t drop a water balloon on it from the bedroom window, no, you ask it in to dance!

NARRATOR: So the company continued on its way until…

ARTIE: Mr. Lay! Mr. Lay!

FRITO LAY: What is it, Artie?

ARTIE: It’s the stock. The price is starting to drop. We can’t keep it up much longer. We have to declare bankruptcy!

FRITO LAY: But I’m a pundit now! I’m Frito Lay, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. I’m the friend of presidents and politicians.

ARTIE: We’ll lose everything, sir.

FRITO LAY: Fine, fine, just do it then.

(Phone rings)

FRITO LAY: Hello. Oh, hello.

ARTIE: Who is it?

FRITO LAY: (whisper) It’s Congress.

ARTIE: What do they want?

FRITO LAY: So, Congress, what do you want? Oh, I see. Well, sure, we can stop by and testify before you. No problem. No. No problem. No problem. Buh-bye. Artie, we have a problem.

ARTIE: Congress? Congress? What do we do about Congress?

FRITO LAY: Okay, we will…we’ll,..
(Make ’em Laugh)
Plead the Fifth
Plead the Fifth
Everyone, plead the fifth
Don’t be late
Wear a tie
Then proceed to shovel the lies
Plead the Fifth
Plead the fifth
Let’s sally forth to the fifth
the senators and congressman may get quite annoyed
the press will cover it and then they’ll make lots of noise
But stick together brother, you’ll be just one of the boys
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth!

(Gavel bangs)

CONGRESSMAN: Excuse me, Mr. Lay, can’t you explain what happened?

FRITO LAY: No, sir. No, I can not.

CONGRESSMAN: So, to summarize, you’ve headed up a huge corporation, taking in moneys from millions of investors and received all sorts of cash bonuses for running said company into the ground.

FRITO LAY: Gosh, sir, you make it sound like we did that on purpose.

CONGRESSMAN: And no one was overseeing you?

FRITO LAY: Just my accountant, Artie Anderson.

ARTIE: Hey, hi, your congressionalship.

CONGRESSMAN: And what do either of you have to say about this?

FRITO amp; ARTIE: (Bali-Hai)
Bail-us-out, we are calling
Bail-us-out, right away.
If you don’t prop us right up
Our boom will go away.

NARRATOR: Alas, it was an election year, so things didn’t quite pan out. Sure, it took a couple of years, but eventually they were convicted.

FRITO LAY: Well, Artie, here we are in Camp Cupcake, Club Fed, the White Collar Pen.

ARTIE: Everything we worked somewhat hard for, gone.

FRITO LAY: Well, not everything, laddie.

ARTIE: How so, Mr. Lay?

FRITO LAY: I’ve taken all our money and invested it in shares of Lehman Bros. and Bear Sterns.

ARTIE: You’re the best, Mr. Lay.

FRITO LAY: That’s because—
(Be out Guest)
We invest
we invest
Put our money to the test.
Play the market, buy some futures.
Short some options if it suits ya.
We invest
We invest
Commodities or the index.
Stock incentives and I-R-As
Pension funds or 401ks.
Tax shelters,
off shore banks
certainly both have our thanks
’cause who knows where the money tends to go?
We’ll suffer moans and groans
To follow the Dow Jones,
so
We invest
We invest
We invest!!!

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